What is the connection between pride, arrogance, modesty, and pretense? What is healthy, and what is destructive?

This page is a stub, created on 2021-03-05 (last updated on 2024-10-27). Its contents are notes on the issues and angles I want to address about this topic.

• forms of pretense
  • modesty as pretending that one is worse than one actually is (playing oneself down)
  • what people usually call "arrogance" as pretending that one is better than one actually is
• objective self-judgment as an alternative to pretense, rejecting the false dichotomy of modesty versus "arrogance", and how it is a prerequisite of genuine pride
• why "arrogance" and "arrogant" are problematic smears / package deals
• how "pride" is misunderstood (and its disastrous effects)
  • in the sense of others' perceptions/judgments (and how this relates to false self-esteem)
  • in the sense of healthy self-esteem and feeling good about one's accomplishments etc
• modesty as an insidious form of "better than others" or other insecurities
• connection to first- versus second-handedness
• ego
  • When people characterize someone as having a "big ego", they typically mean something that, in reality, means that they have very little (genuine) ego.
  • When people talk about someone's modesty or humility, they often (but not always) mean that they have a non-bragging, quiet confidence that actually reflects having a strong, "big" (genuine) ego.