For the last week, thanks to a suggestion in a cocounseling session, I've been trying an experiment that I'm feeling nervous and cautious about: I'm intentionally directing my focus away from "all my problems" (that I referred to on January 20 and in my 2020 Retrospective) and trying to connect with the feeling of "I'm too good for all this shit, and I refuse to waste my life on it.". This feels risky to me because it smacks of repression and runs counter to all the reasons that wallowing has been very good for me as a way of working through things. Stuffing down unpleasant feelings and not leaning into discomfort when it arises risks angry outbursts. But it's an experiment, and I'm willing to try. The gods know I can't continue the way I have been. And maybe, just maybe, my willingness to try this experiment is itself a reflection of having done enough work and processing, so it's possibly more of an organic evolution of my journey than an artificial interference in the working of my emotional immune system.

So far, the results have been pretty okay. I feel more even-keeled and less desirous of alcohol as a numbing agent. There's still a lot on my to-do list that's creating subconscious psychological pressure, so I'm still feeling overwhelmed at times, but pushing that away has had the counterintuitive result of feeling freer to have the energy and enthusiasm for other important things, like a work project demanding a lot of cognitive and emotional labor. And I feel more excited about the prospect of getting things done, even though many of the nagging items remain on my to-do list.

We'll see how this goes...